#Gnomish Cummings

[theycallmeratt]

(*Adult kids only)

Mystra x Wulbren

Strangle: the rare pair that'll make you black out (from arousal!) Your life will be changed or your money back!

And while you're here, check out our other offerings!

We put the win in crwinge!

Do you wish you were back in 2006, rocking ur totally goffik clothes n snogging Draco Lorroakan? Does Strange Ox-chan make your [redacted] tingle, nyyaaaaaa? Do you want to choke on appalling metaphors and deeply questionable pairings?

If the answer to any of these is yes, seek help then Volo’s Erotic Library has got the cringe compilation for you!

Written by premium cringers @savriea @dutifullylazybread @redroomroaving @cactusmisslittle @theycallmeratt @reverieblondie @darkurgetrash @kimberbohwrites @barbwillbrb and yours truly, you can read it now on AO3! (Rated E for atrocious sex and graphic violence against the English language. You have been warned).

Banner credits to @savriea ❤️✨

[theycallmeratt]

10 First lines challenge

Rules: Share the first line of your last ten published works or as many as you are able to and see if there are any patterns!

I was tagged by @bloobluebloo! I'm going to tag @captainsigge, @redroomroaving and @lolliputian

Goblin Roundhouse Chell! (And Kavil) : "Hi, Chell," Kavil said, not even looking up from her picture novel.

When Life Gives you Lemons, Throw a Party! (NSFW) : The bouncer held up a magical glass, peering through it to examine Astarion.

A Honeypot; A Thirst Trap, chapter All for One; One for Oll (NSFW) : In the back of a canvas covered caravan, three men huddled together, doing their makeup. The first line for the entire fic: Her dress was torn, her bustier laced far too tight, and the heels of her shoes were too tall, and that was really the first clue, wasn't it?

Sweeter than Vengeance : "Is that—"

Arcanus Fisticuffus, chapter Philomeen : As people had done since they first started peopling, several traditions were established by the end of round two. First line for the entire fic: Sal awoke to Rugan sitting by his bed, wrapping his hand in bandages.

Gnomish Cumming (NSFW) : "Mystra, the goddess of magic, seeking single male, age 20-2000, bottom."

Three of a Four Course Meal : The denizens of Baldur's Gate were used to late nights, but at this point even the moons were heading to their beds over the horizon.

The Princess and the Frog : A bruise bloomed on Lae'zel's cheek, dark as the circles under Shadowheart's eyes.

Embers that Never Go Out : Around the time Elminster poured her a glass of wine and offered her a lip's worth of tabbaco-cud, Arabella got the feeling he hadn't really been around kids in a while.

The Circus Came to Town (NSFW) : Wyll slammed the clown against the tent wall so hard he nearly brought it down.

Analysis:

If it's smut, I definitely like to get RIGHT TO IT. No set up, Wyll is already slamming people against walls, Mystra is propositioning strangers, Rugan's noting a heaving bosom. I forgot how funny the opening to Gnomish Cumming was. "Bottom." I love the opening for Embers the Never Go Out, it perfect captures Arabella and Elminster's relationship. I also love the opening for Honeypot, it just captures the energy of the fic really well. Sweeter than Vengeance works better in context, same with The Princess and the Frog.

I think overall most of these aren't too compelling? 1, 2, 4 and 7 are meh. 7 is actually fairly clumsy, I'm going to rework that, haha. I do like 9 though. I'm going to pin 9 on the wall.

[no-more-tales-tavern]

@timewalker-chromie sent: "More the Merrier, 2B.

Chromie coming out of a time rift to asses damage control of a sudden surge of goblins appearing in a timeline they shouldn't be abundant in. She didn't count on the place she entered through the portal was one of those goblin cave dens. "Shit.." Was all she could mutter before it happened."

The More the Merrier: 2B

The steady smack of flesh on flesh reverberated through the deep and twisting goblin tunnels, slowly growing louder and more frenetic as they dived deeper and towards the large main den chamber. Lustful chuckles and jeers mixed with the sounds, and rising over them all were the moans and cries of a woman losing her mind.

Chromie jerked and bucked as she hung helplessly between the two goblin thugs holding her up—her fine robes and armor had been stripped and scattered away from her curvaceous gnomish form, leaving her completely nude and at their mercy, to fuck hard and rough as they wanted.

“Stop~ fuck, stop you~ oh~ you bastaaaahh~” Chromie tried to growl out, but the roughness of the goblins was making it hard to catch her breath. Even more as she felt the one behind her wrap an arm around her throat to silence her, his hips bucking harder into the soft curve of her ass—coaxing more lewd moans to fall from her lips.

The goblins’ sneers and jeers gave way to lustful panting and grunting, and Chromie felt them both bucking harder into her—the only warning she had before she felt them both slam deep into small, curvaceous form, and roughly pump her to the brim with their hot, thick, nasty cum, making her shudder with her own sudden release.

“Not bad, little gnome~” the one behind her snickered, “but we’re far from done~”

As he said that, the goblin in front of her pulled away, and Chromie moaned at the absence of his cock. She didn’t have long to try and collect herself, though, before another of the squat, sneering rapists stepped up, hooked his hands under her plump thighs, and slammed into her as well, plowing roughly into her as the one behind her pulled away for his own replacement.

And over the goblins’ shoulders, Chromie could make out more of the sneering villains, a whole swarm surrounding her, and each one just as eager as the last to put the time-traveling gnome in her place. The thought sent a shiver down her spine, and her body shuddered as she felt both goblins thrust harder into her.

[tofixtheshadows]

I regret to inform you that you've activated my trap card.

My degree focus was the history of photography, and the invention of photography was actually not about the invention of the camera! "Cameras" technically have existed for centuries (and if you want to get more technical, thousands of years, because what we know as a "camera obscura" is a naturally occurring phenomenon that humans have been aware of for a very long time). The real invention was about finding the right chemical substances/process to create the image- first you need to make a surface photosensitive, but then you need to halt the development of the light: you need to fix the shadows into place. Which was what people puzzled over during the centuries they were using cameras as drawing tools.

So my thought is: whichever race in Dungeon Meshi is the most alchemically-minded (and artistically?) would have be the ones to invent a photographic camera, to go along with the chemical process.

And that might be dwarves! Especially since early photography used both silver and mercury (present day photography still uses silver lol). And they could have used the camera obscura as an architectural drafting tool. But we know that elves use, like, alchemy-alchemy to create homunculi-fairies. Sure it's actual magic in-universe, but alchemy was just the precursor to chemistry.

I think it could easily be a gnomish invention, because their magical research and use of spirits to manipulate the elements would fit very well with early photography. I think canonically gnomes also have a closer relationship with dwarves than elves do with either of them? So I could see them having access to dwarven engineering to perfect lenses/glass, or some kind of joint venture. Also the intensely spiritual nature of early photography would fit right in with gnomish sensibilities. I might expand more on this later.

In my head there is genuinely some form of magical-cum-alchemical photographic process with some light dwarven engineering thrown in for the mechanical aspect in the world of Dunmeshi, and it's yet another thing the long-lived races are keeping from everyone else lol

"Are there cameras in Dunmeshi" the greatest thread in the history of forums, locked by a moderator after I forced everyone to read roughly 12,239 pages of my own posts.

[loominggaia]

That's a good point! Gnomes living in more barren areas, like deserts or tundras, might find this aesthetic more practical.

Also, let's pour one out for all the gnomish porn stars who met their untimely cum-related demises...Wait wait, don't pour one out! Be careful! Aaaah!!

...Aaaand there goes another one. 😔

Do other peoples besides centaurs use special or unique furniture that humans don't?

Yes! A lot of this depends on region too. For instance, in some regions people use chairs, and in others they prefer to sit on cushions or just the ground. In some regions people use eating utensils, and in others they use their hands to eat. So the following isn't true globally, just in some places.

With that said...

All heavyweight species require heavyweight-rated furniture. Stuff like tables, chairs, bed frames, and so on are made of tougher materials to withstand the extra weight of these species. Of course these furniture pieces are much larger too.

Chairs made for ogres have a gap for their tails to poke through. More often, these chairs don't have a back at all, so they're more like stools.

Dishes and utensils are bigger and burlier to accommodate heavyweight species. These things have to survive the heavyweights' great strength and crushing jaws. Normal forks and spoons just bend like paperclips, and normal glass dishes break too easily. Heavyweights typically use dishes made of wood, metal, or stone.

Trolls have massive hands, so there are a variety of troll-specific objects like tools and dishes with fatter handles.

Heavyweights' objects in general are bigger. For example, a watering can meant for middleweight species might hold one or two gallons of water. But heavyweights are strong enough to hold much more, so their watering can would seem ridiculously large to a human.

Ogres and trolls don't typically use mattresses, and if they do, they're just hay or animal pelts spread on the floor. This is because their skin is so rough that they tear through fabrics quickly. If an ogre lays on your couch, I'm sorry to say your upholstery is not long for this world...

Minotaur dwellings have tall, keyhole-shaped doorways to accommodate large horns. (Fauns also have doors like this, but smaller)

Gnomes repurpose objects meant for larger species all the time. A spool of thread, for instance, might make a nice end table for a gnome. A child's dollhouse can even be converted into a real house in some cases!

Many gnomes find this tacky and don't wish to use hand-me-down trash from other species. Instead, they make their own furniture out of natural materials around them. They braid fur and hair of larger creatures into ropes or weave it into tapestries. Since they're so small, gnomes are capable of extremely fine detail work. No one makes finer jewelry or dollhouse furniture than they do. "Crafted by gnomes" is an attractive selling point for some objects.

Chairs meant for roshava have four arm rests instead of two.

Sirenes don't really use furniture underwater, but they do use it on the shore, and of course it must be made out of waterproof materials. You won't see sirenes sitting on cotton upholstery, which holds water and gets moldy. Instead, they prefer cushions and fabrics woven from water-repellent fibers like grasses and seaweed. This goes for cecaelia as well.

You'll never find stairs in a gorgon house because this species doesn't have legs. For the record, gorgons can climb stairs, but it's awkward and not exactly safe for them. Instead, they prefer smooth ramps and elevators. Wheelchair-accessible infrastructure doubles as gorgon-accessible!

Of course, all furniture meant for dworfs is shorter than it is for other species.

That's all I can think of at the moment!

*

Questions/Comments?

Lore Masterpost